How Can I Forgive?

"How can I forgive?" What an encompassing question! There are so many facets to its answer. Several questions, facts and necessary self-evaluations spring to my mind. So we answer one question by asking a myriad of others!

"Why am I angry?" "Why does this incident spark such resentment?" These are questions anyone may ask. "How did I help cause this situation?" "How could I have avoided it?" are questions the mature (or at least struggling to mature) Christian asks. Then the one ... the question we don't want to ask, much less hear the answer to, "Is this my own fault?"

But beyond these questions, for these are all in the past and cannot yet be changed, we must ask ourselves, "How important is this to me?" We must set aside our own pride, though we are wont to do so, and make an honest appraisal of ourselves first. There are a few things we must take into account, realize, recognize and then act upon. For the sake of brevity, I'll lay them out point by point.

I.    Recognize your own desire as a human being to be right.
As God's creation, Adam and Eve were perfect. Alas, with their fall came us all. Thusly, our sinful nature prevails in all things until God, by His power and mercy, calls us to serve Him. As Jesus promised His apostles upon His ascension, the Holy Ghost has become our help meet in this world. It is only through His intercession in our lives that we are able even to desire the ability to forgive, much less attain that Christ-like virtue. Even as it is Christ's office to be our High Priest and Advocate with the Father, so it is the Holy Spirit's office to guide us on our perilous journey toward the Throne of Grace. Let us never forget that without His intercession, forgiveness becomes superficial at best, and at worst devious.

II.    Realize that you aren't always right.
As our sin nature creates the desire to always be right. It convinces us through ignorance and pride that we actually are. Granted there are, no doubt, situations in which one party is solely to blame, most often at least part of the burden lies at the feet of all parties involved - doubtless some more than others. But we MUST recognize our own sin and repent of it in order to see the whole picture and attain true understanding. We must not be so quick to throw the first stone. This is often the most difficult and distasteful of our steps, but very necessary.

1. Admit you may be wrong in some aspect.
2. Analyze your own reactions to the situation. Self-analysis, while difficult to master, may very well be one of your most important tools as a Christian. In order to analyze yourself you must be honest - completely. There are some things inside us - desires, deeds, intentions - that we have never allowed ourselves to see, whether out of fear or shame. Shedding light on these and accepting them as reality is important. How can you seek God's forgiveness if you won't admit to the sin? REPENTANCE! This is the first step in forgiving others. With God's forgiveness comes freedom, peace and clarity of vision.

III. Remember that the other party(s) involved is also human and desires to be right as well.
Be they Christian brother or sister, or a lost co-worker, every other person in the history of the world will react negatively to negativity. Accusations and bravado do not engender contrite, humble reactions. If you react harshly you are going to put the other person on the defensive. And once you do that, nothing short of an outright apology will likely reach them. If you puncture someone's pride, they are going to have a very base reaction. And mollifying them will be nearly impossible. Even as you believe that your reactions and emotions are perfectly justified, so, too, do they. Anger management, if you haven't noticed, and forgiveness walk hand in hand.

IV. Learn to see both sides of the situation.
Now that you've analyzed your motives and reactions, analyze theirs. No matter how it started, they eventually reacted to you. If you know the person well, you may be able to bring some instance from their past to bear. How did their other experiences contribute to causing them to act in the way that they did? Was it just their human nature or was there more tangled in, perhaps intensifying their self-defense mechanisms. How did I, through words, tone of voice, or body language send messages that may have amplified their reaction? How would I react if spoken to in that way? How then with this knowledge could I have done things differently, to tone down if not avoid the confrontation entirely? Just as in all of life, there are two sides to everything. We live in a three dimensional world after all. Even the Nazi's believed, twisted as it may seem to us, that they were right. And all the wars in this world haven't completely solved the problems of racism and classism.

1. Choose your battles. What will this gain? What harm could it cause?
2. What's more important? The relationship or being right? We must consider the honest, bald truth. We must see the reality of the situation outside of our own desires, opinions and beliefs. We are flawed, reality isn't always what we see or remember. They say hindsight is 20/20. Well, if we would take the time and effort to really see (no matter how distasteful it may be), our sight would be a lot more accurate in the present tense. Our vision is often clouded by what we want to be true, what we want to see. In overcoming and recognizing those desires for what they are, seeing reality for what it is, outside of ourselves, understanding and true wisdom begin to emerge. Our minds suddenly open as reality is revealed. Our hearts quail at our transgressions and forgiveness is truly sought...and granted.

VI. Realize that in our sinful state it is impossible for us to do anything truly good.
All goodness comes from God. He called the newly created earth "good," but it was later corrupted by sin. There is nothing and no one on this earth that isn't touched by sin, nay suffused with it! Sin abounds in the fertile soil of man's craven heart. Only through God's calling by the Holy Spirit, justification through His Son's death and forgiveness are we able to do good, yes, even desire to do good for Him. Truly good acts spring from the Holy Spirit dwelling within us and in our lives. And we are known by our "good fruits."

This is one of those Christ-like characteristics that we strive toward as His children, and can only attain through His grace. Once you see God's forgiveness and begin to understand His Son's sacrifice for the horrible sinful deeds of man, you touch ever so slightly upon comprehending the depth of His love for us. The concept of unconditional love is so foreign to our nature, isn't it? We rail against it even as Christians! "Well, my brother doesn't deserve love OR forgiveness, look at what he's done!" Of course we don't deserve it, that was never an issue. But Jesus' doctrine is clear; turning the other cheek should be our instant response to persecution. His is the task to meet out punishments and reprisals, not ours.

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